yyeehaw: exercise? more like extra fries.
Bird whistles the Addams Family
For you are the sun and I can’t go back to dark now that I’ve seen you.– Tyler Knott Gregson
me at 5 pm: i wanna go to sleep
me at 5 am: sleep is for the weak
A girl had a shirt on today that said “I love my boyfriend Nick” with hearts all over it and she was standing next to me so I asked her (jokingly, of course) “I take it you love your boyfriend, Nick?” “Huh?” “…never mind” And then at least 5 minutes later she goes “ohhhh!” Idiot.
friend: *whispering* if you're stupid say "what"
friend: OH MAN
OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST
I GOT YOU SO GOOD, THAT WAS AWESOME
SWEET, SWEET DICKS IN MY MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD. EVER.
JESUS. JESUS HELP ME.
I can barely keep up with myself let alone the Kardashians
Praise da lawd that I don’t have to go anywhere today. It’s a good thing too because I wouldn’t be useful anyway. I stood by the toaster for at least 5 minutes wondering why my toast wasn’t popping up and then realized I didn’t turn it on.
Cosmo sex tip #367
cosmo-sex-tips: While having sex, suddenly stop before she reaches orgasm and say, “And none for Gretchen Weiners, bye” and walk out of the room.